Heterosexuality is Cancelled
COVID-19: it was the worst of times, it was the ass of times. But some experts are warning that this pandemic could spell the end of heterosexuality itself.
With social distancing restrictions what they are and will be for the foreseeable future, many are saying that dating, at least among the straights, is doomed.
“Meeting new people during a pandemic is much riskier, practically impossible. It’s pretty much the most dangerous thing you could be doing now outside of maybe licking all the faucet handles in a rest stop bathroom. You’d have to be a real selfish asshole to try and meet strangers to have sex with during this,” said one doctor, responsible for the lives of hundreds of elderly nuns.
“Honestly, people probably should not be dating at all right now,” said a happily married epidemiologist. “What you should do is either resign yourself to another year of sad, desperate masturbation or enter into an emotionally complicated fuckbuddy entanglement with that guy you went out with years ago who labored under the incredible misbelief that a nonstop barrage of political memes he pulled off of Facebook and Reddit is something that you would find endearing. Either him or sad masturbation. Take your pick.”
But what of the last few romantics? Is there no love to be found in a hopeless place?
Without any feasible alternatives for social companionship, even singles who once believed that they would never in their lives use online dating are now creating profiles. But industry insiders say that most new users delete their accounts within 72 hours of creating them.
“Turns out, now that dating requires courtship again, men would sooner die,” said one professional dating coach. “If partnering requires even the slightest hint of effort, say like writing a paragraph to describe themselves, they aren’t interested. If you tell them that making women feel safe under conditions of unprecedented emergency might require some emotional labor on their part, they give up and delete their accounts.”
“I’m not looking for a penpal,” said every guy we interviewed for comment. “There’s porn. I’ll be fine.”
So is there any future for heterosexuality under COVID?
“Not if they’re straight women at peak child-bearing age,” sighed a tired demographer. “If you’re at the end of your fertility window, forget it. You’re done. Your worst fears in life are coming to fruition and you’re absolutely going to die alone. Be sure to get out and vote, though.”