Happy Meal Vigilantes
The year is 2023. Militias partner with fast food brands to provide protection for customers. The availability of plant-based meat alternatives is the wedge that divides us into tribes.
You would never know as you are walking by these fast food sentinels which are armed or not. Guns, after all, aren’t free. And besides, think of the brand identity crisis that would be created when it catches on that fast-food chain restaurants are breaking into the petty arms trade business. Better to let each volunteer provide their own means of protection. Less messy that way and infinitely more patriotic.
Though these men (and they are always men) don the officially licensed merchandise of McDonald’s, Taco Bell, and Popeyes enterprises, they are not technically employed by them. Instead, they are classified as nonprofit volunteers, donating their time and skills towards bettering the economy. They gladly sign corporate liability waivers. They applaud the anti-union messaging of their training videos. They proudly wear buttons that say, “Fuck your union and fuck your $15.”
The offer of unlimited refills they accept as a fitting tribute for their dedication to serve as the happy face of everyday law and order in their communities. They’d do it for free, but the soda is a nice gesture.