All of Tomorrow's Parties

Blairstown, NJ — Halloween was disappointment for millions of American children this year. With strict social distancing guidelines in place and outbreaks surging across 48 states, many local muncipalities in our state made the difficult decision of cancelling this year’s trick-or-treating.

But the ordinance did little to stop Halloween.

In the week since Halloween, 5,000 new cases of COVID-19 have been diagnosed in New Jersey, virtually all of them traced back to an ill-advised Halloween party superspreader event at 36-year-old Dave Sullivan’s house.

Officials say that nearly two hundred party-goers packed themselves into this house on Halloween night. Contact tracers tell us that one guest, 27-year-old Craig Lewis, served as the so-called “patient zero,” infected with the Coronavirus a week before the event but had been showing no symptoms.

In a Facebook photo taken at the event, Lewis is shown dressed as President Donald Trump, pantamiming what appears to be a sexual act with a large inflatable shaped like the year 2020. Witnesses who were guests at the party say that Lewis spent the party licking cups and spitting into beer bottles, yelling “HOAX, BABY, HOAX! LICK MY TAINT, LIBS!”

Another witness described Lewis’ behavior at the party as “exactly what you would expect from that kind of guy. That’s freedom. Like an eagle soaring.”

Sullivan, the host of the superspreader event, said he is not sorry for doing exactly what everyone asked him not to do. “I mean, we knew the risk we were taking. Now other people are paying the price for it. For that, I’m not sorry. If they don’t like America, they can leave. MAGA FOREVER!”